It’s that time of year again. It’s easy to get swept up in the shiny, twinkly dream of Christmas—Baileys, mince pies, decorations and cozy fires.

But let's be real. The reality is frantic buying. It’s negotiations about where to go, who to see, on which days, and for how long. And it’s navigating a mix of blended families, social events, or unresolved family drama.

Throw feeling compelled to make everybody happy into the mix, and it’s hell!

Sound familiar? If so, read on as I cover what it means to people-please, why it's not so good, and 7 ways to help you rethink it.

Are you a people pleaser?

Constantly putting others first and never saying no, can seem like the right thing to. It makes you a good person.

Right?

People pleasing is reinforced by societal tropes that equate selflessness with goodness, which just isn’t true. And this false narrative can keep you stuck in an endless loop of sacrifice, followed by resentment.

It also stems from childhood trauma. It’s an attempt to stay safe by submitting. But continually abandoning your adult self, repeats that experience. And stops being helpful in your adult relationships.

Self-definition isn’t selfish

There’s a big difference between having your own needs and values and being selfish. A selfish person doesn’t consider the feelings of others at all. They act without consideration. And consider only their wants and desires.

Is that really you?

It can feel terrifying and uncomfortable to set boundaries because it might feel like you’re selfish or upsetting other people. And some people may pin this label on you.

So, this isn’t about being selfish. You can still support and consider others. And at the same time, you can be true to yourself. Compromise and balance is possible.

How to stop people pleasing

If you suspect that you’re a people pleaser who struggles to set boundaries, there are ways that you can help yourself.

This is work that I would do with clients and includes a few of the things below. Some involve firm action and others reflection (and journaling is a fab tool for that!).

But all 7 of these have a role to play in helping you to break free from people pleasing.

My goal is that these will help you in your life and relationships well beyond the holiday season!

1. Notice patterns

If you notice the thoughts and feelings you experience around people pleasing, you can better understand what triggers it. And you can challenge this pattern.

Where does it come from for you? Is it related to societal beliefs of ‘being a good person’? Does it stem from childhood? Asking yourself what might happen if you said no can be helpful. Is it about avoiding drama or does it go deeper? Is it both?

Pleasing in childhood might have been a necessary way of coping with instability at home. It’s easy to forget that the child you once were didn’t have a choice. But the ‘adult you’ does.

2. Name barriers

What helps you to keep healthy boundaries and what gets in the way?

This is something you can do on your own or with a therapist. Look at these potential barriers, reflect on them and name how you could question or change them.

It could be that you have internal conflicts which reflect various parts of yourself. There may be false narratives or beliefs inherited from family.

Or assertiveness skills could help you in setting boundaries. Being more assertive helps you to say no and follow through when others overstep your boundaries.

3. Realise others may not change

This is a tough one. If you’re sacrificing your own needs in the hope that others will appreciate it, value you more, or start to behave differently this belief could be limiting you.

Sometimes we wrongly believe that if we adapt our behaviour to fit others, they’ll reciprocate. Or they’ll give us what we’re seeking – love, attention, validation.

If it stems from childhood, remember that you can’t change the past by repeating it.

Ask yourself – what are you seeking or trying to change in others through people pleasing?

4. Practice makes perfect

You could rehearse – on your own or in therapy – through role play to visualise successfully setting healthy boundaries, including various responses of the other person.

Start small. By doing something different in your everyday interactions with others you can gain the confidence to realise that you have a choice whether to keep people pleasing.

Gradually with practise, it allows you to regain and keep your self-worth in the face of criticism and/or efforts to get you to ‘back down’.

5. Tolerate discomfort

Doing something different involves accepting that it’s going to come with certain amount of pain and discomfort. Because setting a boundary, sometimes means saying no. And saying no when you’ve always said yes is scary!

As well as your own feelings you may have to tolerate others’ negative reactions. So, a certain amount of emotional discomfort is inevitable.

Ask yourself…

How do you see difficult emotions? How do you cope with them? Are these coping methods helpful?

6. Respond. Don’t react

This is a difficult one. Inevitably, some people will try to cross your boundaries. They might not be comfortable with a new you because – well – they’d quite like you to carry on pleasing them!

If you react – by trying to explain or defend yourself – you’re giving that person power over your emotional state. Because – when you communicate that I can’t be ok unless you approve – they have the power to withhold that approval.

It can be difficult to see this. And if it’s part of your family dynamic, it probably feels normal.

Responding could involve neutral (non-defensive) responses e.g. “let me think about that.” Or simply stating your position e.g. “I’m not prepared to do that.”

7. Reframe boundaries

Do your boundaries need to be bad for others? The answer is NO.

It’s actually kinder to let people know in advance what you’re willing to do and tolerate. It prevents tensions building up in the relationship.

Because if you continue to go along with stuff you don’t want to do, then you’re likely going to feel resentful. And you might end up expressing this in a way that causes more conflict, which is what you were trying to avoid in the first place!

So, to sum up, having your own ways of doing things just makes you a unique person. Not a selfish one. But if you grew up believing that you needed to please others to be ‘good’ or just to feel safe – it’s understandable that not doing it feels scary and uncomfortable.

By offering seven ways to overcome people-pleasing – including naming barriers, noticing patterns, tolerating discomfort, and responding – I hope to provide inspiration and ideas that you could implement in your own life and relationships.

If this resonated with you and you would like support and strategies to help you reflect, act differently, and feel okay, please reach out by booking a call with me using the link below.