Did you know? There there are really common behaviours that you might not realise are linked to childhood trauma.

In this blog I outline two of them: people pleasing and perfectionism.

These develop as a way of coping with an uncertain and unsafe environment growing up.

Does that resonate with you? Read on for more.

A way of coping

When faced with danger, those fortunate enough to experience good enough parenting can access healthy responses for self-protection.

A healthy level of assertiveness – for instance – can protect us from emotional abuse in our adult relationships.

But traumatising abuse (physical or emotional) and/or neglect experienced in childhood, can destroy self-esteem, identity, and safety.

A child needs to find creative ways of adapting to this trauma, which can manifest in common behaviours that become problematic in adulthood.

Join me as I highlight two of them below.

1. Perfectionism

Our society values ambition and striving. But far from being helpful, perfectionism is the enemy of achievement because it manifests as standards that are unachievable. And when mistakes are – inevitably – made, this fuels low self-esteem.

Perfectionism contrasts with a healthier approach of ‘good enough’ based on achievable standards and self-worth that’s separate from performance.

Without parental acceptance growing up, striving for perfection provides purpose, helping a child to regain some control. So, perfectionism shields against the childhood trauma of rejection and abandonment.

Do you struggle with perfectionism?

2. People pleasing

Putting others above ourselves can seem like a noble pursuit. In society it’s reinforced by gender roles as femininity is often synonymous with caretaking.

This can make it difficult to notice when concern for others’ needs and feelings, veers into servitude and fawning – i.e. people pleasing.

Compulsive people pleasing is a response to childhood trauma. It’s a specific way of appeasing a parent who feels threatening. An attempt to stay safe by submitting.

It may have helped you to survive as a child but can result in you abandoning your needs as an adult – repeating your childhood experience.

Do you struggle with people pleasing?

So in a nutshell this blog has outlined two behaviours that are common after childhood trauma. Therapy can be a useful way of exploring how your childhood experiences have shaped these. For perfectionism we could explore and resolve an attachment to unrealistic standards in therapy. It is possible to challenge perfectionism and learn that good enough is – perfectly – fine.

And for people pleasing, we could explore where the need to please stems from. And I could help you learn to feel good enough without surrendering your boundaries.

For more insights on childhood trauma read my other blogs below:

Three ways to develop emotional independence after childhood trauma

Three ways that modern work can trigger childhood trauma

But was my family really toxic?

I hope that you found this blog informative and useful. But if you would like to explore your own experiences of perfectionism, people pleasing or other issues, please reach out for support. Please visit my website where you can find full details of my services and/or book a complimentary call with me here.