Have you ever struggled to have a relationship with your family that allows you to be yourself?

In this blog, I explore why this might be and offer three ways that you could maintain your family relationships AND still be your own person.

What is emotional independence?

I often hear from people who would like to continue in relationships with their family but feel this is contingent on doing what's expected of them. This makes it tricky to have a relationship that allows you to be separate and independent.

Denying your own needs and feelings, could have been how you survived a difficult childhood and can become second nature with your family.

And while you might know on some level that it isn’t healthy to continually sacrifice yourself – doing something different just feels wrong. It could be that you only feel ok if you're doing what they want. Does that sound familiar?

Your family – who aren’t ready to let go of their version of you – might manipulate your emotions by calling you selfish. Has this ever happened to you?

It’s normal to want relationships that allow you to have separate beliefs, feelings and needs. And as adults, we often forget that it’s us – rather than family – who get to define ourselves.

So, how can you relate to your family and be a separate person at the same time?

I suggest 3 ways to work on developing your sense of self.

1. Notice what happens in your body and feelings

Your body stores valuable information about what happened when you were younger.

If you listen to – rather than dismiss – the physical sensations and feelings that you experience in present interactions with your family, you can learn to associate them with a younger part of yourself.

Doing this allows you to distinguish between the dependent child part of yourself and the grown adult with agency and resources.

2. Tolerate difficult feelings

The process of emotional independence – defining who you are and how you want to live your life – involves ceasing to adapt yourself to fit in with your family.

Because this is what happened when you were younger – you had no choice remember – it perpetuates an old pattern.

At the same time, your family might not be comfortable with your changes. And you might experience guilt. So, it involves tolerating both yours and their difficult emotions.

3. Learn how to respond

When more attuned to your body and emotions, it becomes possible to respond to family in an adult way, rather than from the younger parts of yourself – which tend to be more emotionally reactive.

Responding allows you to maintain your self-worth in the face of criticism and/or efforts to get you to ‘back down’. And gradually, your self-doubts may diminish.

In practise, responding involves being non-defensive and remaining calm. It also involves clearly stating your position and your beliefs to communicate what’s okay for you and what isn’t.

The point of responding – not acting impulsively on emotion – is for you to retain the power over your emotional state, not hand this over to your family.

So overall, if you have a difficult family, navigating your relationship with them as an adult can be really difficult. Your emotions can be affected by your history. And this makes it hard to see that you're now an adult.

In this blog, I've explored three things that you could do to develop and maintain your sense of self, including learning how to tolerate yours and their difficult emotions.

The key thing is that you're able to develop as the unique individual that you are. 💚

If you found this helpful, please read my blog on a similar theme below:

Two common behaviours that are linked to childhood trauma

I hope that you found this blog a useful source of information. But if you'd like to start your own journey towards emotional independence. Please visit my website where you can find full details of my services and/or book a complimentary call with me here.